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Sunday, 29 January 2012
Tuesday, 20 December 2011
teeth in my pocket......
Been at the new job a month now, and wow has that flown by...We had the Christmas do on Saturday, which considering was basically made up with couples, was actually quite a fun evening. I had hoped to be able to totally let my hair down and have a drink and get a taxi home but as usual being a parent took priority and plus dealing with the boys with a hangover is not a pleasant prospective thought anyway. So I did the evening sober while others around me got drunk and on the most part acted up and made prats of themselves. Monday when I came in to work I defiantly felt much more part of the company and a bit more settled, I mean I had seen most of the managers and my bosses more than a little giggly and had also been sat on the table with my friend who just happens to be the person that organises everything for the company and made to feel very welcome. Bless a few of the guys had tried to get me up on the dance floor to dance with them and their wives but that was a lonely heart step to far for me and I refused, though I did get up a few times when the ladies where dancing on their own.
On another note entirely its nearly here you know the "big day" which means I have been writing this blog for nearly 2 years and haven't things changed in that time. While I maybe a stronger person who is learning to live without, I am also discovering that I don't think I want to live with out so hope I won't have to forever :0)
The kids are as excited as ever about the day, if I can make it there without collapsing with exhaustion I think that will be an achievement on my part. Its not that my kids are hard work which they are but no more than anyone else's, I think its just that I am their first and sometimes only port of call for all their thoughts, feelings, stress and excitement and its sooo draining. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't swap it for anything, I am just tired lol....
If I am honest with 5 days to go I'm still not exactly sure what I have bought and whether they will want any of it but heyho if this one goes pear shaped I will just put it down to first Christmas nerves (yes I know its not our first Christmas but it is without the looming shadow of Paul and all that entailed). As far as Father Christmas is concerned Ninja looked me in the eye the other day and said "Mummy, I'm pretty sure its you that buys all the presents, but I'll just pretend it's Santa because that's more fun" to which I said a little to shrilled "of course its Santa" I hate lying to them but Mooki told me when she caught me with the presents one year she was devastated and it has scarred her for life, so continue the charade I must and anyway the 3 year old won't be trying to sneak around and catch me out unlike his older brother which I have a feeling will probably be popping proplus all night waiting to catch me out just so he can say "see I told you so".
Oh if you are wondering still at the title of this blog post and you have made it this far, firstly well done and secondly they title comes from the fact I worn a cardigan to work today that I haven't seen for a while as its been hidden in the pit of the Mook and what should I find in the pocket but Mooki's teeth guard for bleaching her teeth........nice.
On another note entirely its nearly here you know the "big day" which means I have been writing this blog for nearly 2 years and haven't things changed in that time. While I maybe a stronger person who is learning to live without, I am also discovering that I don't think I want to live with out so hope I won't have to forever :0)
The kids are as excited as ever about the day, if I can make it there without collapsing with exhaustion I think that will be an achievement on my part. Its not that my kids are hard work which they are but no more than anyone else's, I think its just that I am their first and sometimes only port of call for all their thoughts, feelings, stress and excitement and its sooo draining. Don't get me wrong I wouldn't swap it for anything, I am just tired lol....
If I am honest with 5 days to go I'm still not exactly sure what I have bought and whether they will want any of it but heyho if this one goes pear shaped I will just put it down to first Christmas nerves (yes I know its not our first Christmas but it is without the looming shadow of Paul and all that entailed). As far as Father Christmas is concerned Ninja looked me in the eye the other day and said "Mummy, I'm pretty sure its you that buys all the presents, but I'll just pretend it's Santa because that's more fun" to which I said a little to shrilled "of course its Santa" I hate lying to them but Mooki told me when she caught me with the presents one year she was devastated and it has scarred her for life, so continue the charade I must and anyway the 3 year old won't be trying to sneak around and catch me out unlike his older brother which I have a feeling will probably be popping proplus all night waiting to catch me out just so he can say "see I told you so".
Oh if you are wondering still at the title of this blog post and you have made it this far, firstly well done and secondly they title comes from the fact I worn a cardigan to work today that I haven't seen for a while as its been hidden in the pit of the Mook and what should I find in the pocket but Mooki's teeth guard for bleaching her teeth........nice.
Friday, 2 December 2011
How to put your foot in it in 40 ways...........
Well maybe not 40 ways but getting close on..
I am well known in my family for having a mouth that sometimes and mostly unexpectedly will run completely away from me. At just turned 16 I managed to land a receptionist job in a firm of solicitors in Holburn (near the Old Bailey Court) so quite respected, and was invited to attend their Christmas do (which was being held in July for some reason). I had only been there a few weeks and I was still extremely nervous to be around the "big" bosses. As the meal went on I just sat there listening to the conversation that was going on around me right up until the point when one of the male Partners flippantly commented that "all Jewish woman are tyrants" and little old me who had not said boo to a goose piped up "that's because all Jewish men are wimps" now we were both Jewish so it wasn't a racial thing but I soon got sacked anyway.
The point to all this is that about 2 weeks ago I started my new part-time job which I am quite enjoying though it is does feel funny being on the bottom rung of the ladder again after so many years with mum. Anyway there are just 5 of us "ladies" working in the accounts dept. the rest of the company consists of around 42 men who aren't always there but make up the majority of the work force at any given time in the office. Out of these 42 men there are 5 managers and I think I have already managed to leave 2 of them feeling a little bit wary of me.
All the guys that come in to the office and chat freely with the accounts ladies especially as one of them is the MD's wife so is next to G-d's ear. The other day when the M1 was filled with Marmite we were all happily discussing the love/hate thing and who'd be down there licking the tarmac and one of the managers went in to a long conversation about yeast and how it was produced and how he used to work in a brewery and it was a very interesting conversation right up until I killed it dead but shouting across the room "The only thing I know about yeast is it gives you nasty thrush". Needless to say he left rather quickly after that and didn't return until after I left in fact I don't think I have seen him back in the office.
Another day a different manager came in to the office to get some photocopying done, and he was flapping with in seconds. One of the accts team rushed over to calm this poor man down and gently guide him through the process of lifting the lid, placing the paper and pressing the button. After this dreadful task was completed he turn to us all and in a particularly whining voice said "Photocopiers are too complicated, like women" I couldn't help myself and plus I thought I might earn a couple of brownie points with my colleagues, I retorted "No they are simple, like a man" Again the room was stunned in to silence, opps perhaps you allow sexist comments in this company, because you are all "just" women. Anyway the manager left rather red face and though he did have the guts to come back in to the office that day, refused to look in my direction at all.
I am very glad these people I seem to be offending are in no way able to effect my job prospects and I am also glad I seem to getting on with my fellow accts ladies, the Christmas party that is in a couple of weeks should be a laugh but I think I will just try to keep my mouth closed most of the time................
I am well known in my family for having a mouth that sometimes and mostly unexpectedly will run completely away from me. At just turned 16 I managed to land a receptionist job in a firm of solicitors in Holburn (near the Old Bailey Court) so quite respected, and was invited to attend their Christmas do (which was being held in July for some reason). I had only been there a few weeks and I was still extremely nervous to be around the "big" bosses. As the meal went on I just sat there listening to the conversation that was going on around me right up until the point when one of the male Partners flippantly commented that "all Jewish woman are tyrants" and little old me who had not said boo to a goose piped up "that's because all Jewish men are wimps" now we were both Jewish so it wasn't a racial thing but I soon got sacked anyway.
The point to all this is that about 2 weeks ago I started my new part-time job which I am quite enjoying though it is does feel funny being on the bottom rung of the ladder again after so many years with mum. Anyway there are just 5 of us "ladies" working in the accounts dept. the rest of the company consists of around 42 men who aren't always there but make up the majority of the work force at any given time in the office. Out of these 42 men there are 5 managers and I think I have already managed to leave 2 of them feeling a little bit wary of me.
All the guys that come in to the office and chat freely with the accounts ladies especially as one of them is the MD's wife so is next to G-d's ear. The other day when the M1 was filled with Marmite we were all happily discussing the love/hate thing and who'd be down there licking the tarmac and one of the managers went in to a long conversation about yeast and how it was produced and how he used to work in a brewery and it was a very interesting conversation right up until I killed it dead but shouting across the room "The only thing I know about yeast is it gives you nasty thrush". Needless to say he left rather quickly after that and didn't return until after I left in fact I don't think I have seen him back in the office.
Another day a different manager came in to the office to get some photocopying done, and he was flapping with in seconds. One of the accts team rushed over to calm this poor man down and gently guide him through the process of lifting the lid, placing the paper and pressing the button. After this dreadful task was completed he turn to us all and in a particularly whining voice said "Photocopiers are too complicated, like women" I couldn't help myself and plus I thought I might earn a couple of brownie points with my colleagues, I retorted "No they are simple, like a man" Again the room was stunned in to silence, opps perhaps you allow sexist comments in this company, because you are all "just" women. Anyway the manager left rather red face and though he did have the guts to come back in to the office that day, refused to look in my direction at all.
I am very glad these people I seem to be offending are in no way able to effect my job prospects and I am also glad I seem to getting on with my fellow accts ladies, the Christmas party that is in a couple of weeks should be a laugh but I think I will just try to keep my mouth closed most of the time................
Thursday, 10 November 2011
Bad Breath, Failure on the Job Front and OMG 6 weeks till Christmas...
Ninja told me yesterday that two "little" people by that I mean his classmates, have told him he has bad breath....In honesty I panicked a little when he said this and about 1000 things raced through my mind. These mainly ranged from oh g-d, how am I going to sort this one out to, is this why he is telling me he has no friends, to should I pack him a toothbrush in his school bag, to how the heck am I going to make this not a big deal or should I. To my credit if he sensed any of this panic it was only a little as I was very good, smiled my brightest smile said "Oh did they" desperately trying to give myself time to think what was the best way forward in this possible minefield of self-consciousness and too his credit he actually didn't seem too bothered by the bad breath comments and has shouldered it as his contemporaries just pointing something out to him in the same way they might point out he had some mud on his jumper or jam on his face.
When we got home, we discussed it a bit further and between us we came to the conclusion that there wasn't too much we could do about it as he is a good toothbrusher, that recently he has had a cold and that means he has been breathing through his mouth alot more therefore causing more bacteria to sit in his throat and also he has started school dinners and they may be putting different spices and herbs in the dinner that may also be contributing to the problem. For the moment we have decided not to worry about it too much and that if it continues to be a problem we will look at maybe taking further steps to counteract the problem. I was so pragmatic about the whole thing I thought for a minute I had turned in to a man...yeah me for some solid head not heart parenting...! (seriously did not want to say or do anything that would possibly give him a complex)
Well you know how very excited about the whole new job thing I was and that it was such a massive big deal that was going to change all our lives forever, as embarrassing as it is to admit it, I have to say, I only managed 2 days. Yes, yes I know how it sounds and I also know I didn't give it much of a chance, but hear me out before you go all judgemental on me.
Dropping the kids off at 7.30am was a massive shock to all our systems to get in to work for 8.30am, we just don't do early starts as a family at all plus the fact they were bascially still asleep as I left them at nursery and I hadn't really had a chance for a cuddle or even a good morning I was so frantic not to be late.
The first day I was placed at a desk in a massive open planned office with over 100 other people in it (bare in mind I have be working from home alone for the last 4 years and that was a lot of other people to content with) where basically I spent the first half an hour blankly staring in to space (a theme that continued over the next 2 days) wondering if, this was a zombie movie who would be the first to turn and start eating people and playing spot the pyscho (trying to guess which incredibly down trodden lonely desk worker is going to be the one to walk in one day with the sawn off shot gun at start mowing down everyone who's ever so much as looked at him funny. My guess was it would be one of the tech guys, they just looked so mightly cross all the time).
When I was finally "allowed" to handle the laptop on my desk, cue peed off tech guy storming over to me huffing a lot and mumbling something under his breath (probably some computer talk curse) all he did was hand me a piece of paper with some passwords on them, tell me to change them and then I was to start reading through the computer procedures manual. I am an (almost) accountant....I do not want to know how to remote login to reboot the interface and download the thingymebob so I can back-up fifteen hours of crap and virus check my handbag, shoes and nasal spray (don't ask). I nearly fell asleep around 15 times reading all that rubbish.
At about 11.30am my "buddy" came round to see me, great!, she then proceed to take me to each and everyone of the people I would be sharing this massive office space with, introduce me and somehow expect me to stay focus and interested (g-d knows how the royals do it) I just ended up wanting to shout at her, "I don't care what department we are in I am bored and i just want to do some work".
This took me to lunch time, where I was taken aside by one of the "old hags from Macbeth" I mean the nice older ladies who work on Timesheet data entry or something, and told "be warned, tell no one your business, the office is full of people that will stab you in the back".
Day 2 was even worse as I didn't even have my "buddy" to come and talk to me, instead I was just given more procedure manuals to read. When I asked my "supposed" colleague was there anything she could show me, teach me or please at least talk to me. She just stared at me blankly, sighed a little and begrudingly handed me over some work which she explained with lighting speed so I had almost no chance of understanding. I p**d her off though as I managed to work my way through it anyway, she didn't talk to me for the rest of the day.
Crucially though when I left the building at 4.45pm there was a message on my mobile from Mooki's school telling me she wasn't well. I cried a little, I had asked during the day what the company rules where on mobile phone usage and they had bascially told me they weren't allowed across the board. So my little girl (well ok I know not so little) had had to stay at school feeling very unwell then drag herself home on the bus because I couldn't recieve the call from her school and there is no one else for the school to be able to phone, I have no family up here there is just me. Can't do it, I can't work for a company that doesn't allow me to recieve calls. I have young children, I am the only point of contact, I have to be able to be phoned, what if that had been one of the younger ones or if Mooki had been more seriously ill. So I jacked it in the next morning without a second thought.
Anyway no point crying over it, at least I know now that I can't do full time as its just not practical (I didn't see Humf for the whole 2 days as he was always asleep or about to be) and I will just have to keep looking for the elusive perfect part time role.
By the way 6 weeks till Christmas have you even thought about it yet ????!
When we got home, we discussed it a bit further and between us we came to the conclusion that there wasn't too much we could do about it as he is a good toothbrusher, that recently he has had a cold and that means he has been breathing through his mouth alot more therefore causing more bacteria to sit in his throat and also he has started school dinners and they may be putting different spices and herbs in the dinner that may also be contributing to the problem. For the moment we have decided not to worry about it too much and that if it continues to be a problem we will look at maybe taking further steps to counteract the problem. I was so pragmatic about the whole thing I thought for a minute I had turned in to a man...yeah me for some solid head not heart parenting...! (seriously did not want to say or do anything that would possibly give him a complex)
Well you know how very excited about the whole new job thing I was and that it was such a massive big deal that was going to change all our lives forever, as embarrassing as it is to admit it, I have to say, I only managed 2 days. Yes, yes I know how it sounds and I also know I didn't give it much of a chance, but hear me out before you go all judgemental on me.
Dropping the kids off at 7.30am was a massive shock to all our systems to get in to work for 8.30am, we just don't do early starts as a family at all plus the fact they were bascially still asleep as I left them at nursery and I hadn't really had a chance for a cuddle or even a good morning I was so frantic not to be late.
The first day I was placed at a desk in a massive open planned office with over 100 other people in it (bare in mind I have be working from home alone for the last 4 years and that was a lot of other people to content with) where basically I spent the first half an hour blankly staring in to space (a theme that continued over the next 2 days) wondering if, this was a zombie movie who would be the first to turn and start eating people and playing spot the pyscho (trying to guess which incredibly down trodden lonely desk worker is going to be the one to walk in one day with the sawn off shot gun at start mowing down everyone who's ever so much as looked at him funny. My guess was it would be one of the tech guys, they just looked so mightly cross all the time).
When I was finally "allowed" to handle the laptop on my desk, cue peed off tech guy storming over to me huffing a lot and mumbling something under his breath (probably some computer talk curse) all he did was hand me a piece of paper with some passwords on them, tell me to change them and then I was to start reading through the computer procedures manual. I am an (almost) accountant....I do not want to know how to remote login to reboot the interface and download the thingymebob so I can back-up fifteen hours of crap and virus check my handbag, shoes and nasal spray (don't ask). I nearly fell asleep around 15 times reading all that rubbish.
At about 11.30am my "buddy" came round to see me, great!, she then proceed to take me to each and everyone of the people I would be sharing this massive office space with, introduce me and somehow expect me to stay focus and interested (g-d knows how the royals do it) I just ended up wanting to shout at her, "I don't care what department we are in I am bored and i just want to do some work".
This took me to lunch time, where I was taken aside by one of the "old hags from Macbeth" I mean the nice older ladies who work on Timesheet data entry or something, and told "be warned, tell no one your business, the office is full of people that will stab you in the back".
Day 2 was even worse as I didn't even have my "buddy" to come and talk to me, instead I was just given more procedure manuals to read. When I asked my "supposed" colleague was there anything she could show me, teach me or please at least talk to me. She just stared at me blankly, sighed a little and begrudingly handed me over some work which she explained with lighting speed so I had almost no chance of understanding. I p**d her off though as I managed to work my way through it anyway, she didn't talk to me for the rest of the day.
Crucially though when I left the building at 4.45pm there was a message on my mobile from Mooki's school telling me she wasn't well. I cried a little, I had asked during the day what the company rules where on mobile phone usage and they had bascially told me they weren't allowed across the board. So my little girl (well ok I know not so little) had had to stay at school feeling very unwell then drag herself home on the bus because I couldn't recieve the call from her school and there is no one else for the school to be able to phone, I have no family up here there is just me. Can't do it, I can't work for a company that doesn't allow me to recieve calls. I have young children, I am the only point of contact, I have to be able to be phoned, what if that had been one of the younger ones or if Mooki had been more seriously ill. So I jacked it in the next morning without a second thought.
Anyway no point crying over it, at least I know now that I can't do full time as its just not practical (I didn't see Humf for the whole 2 days as he was always asleep or about to be) and I will just have to keep looking for the elusive perfect part time role.
By the way 6 weeks till Christmas have you even thought about it yet ????!
Wednesday, 26 October 2011
Finally off the Prozac and UN Peace negotiations
Been off the Prozac for over a month. I just woke up one morning and thought "I don't need it anymore". The only side effect I can think off (if you could actually call it a side effect) is that things seem to matter more. If people cut me up I get annoyed, if something upsets me it makes me cry and I don't want the kids to run riot anymore. I have stopped just doing everything for them. If they make a mess I get them to tidy it up, I am stricter on bedtime and I am not letting missy get away with continuously living in a dung heap.
I know the last few months have been hard and that we have all has to adjust to new roles with in the house. It has taken time for the kids to see me as a serious parent and not just the soft one, Mooki has had to come to the realisation she is important and valued for her burgeoning adult opinions and ideas, Ninja has had to learn independence and the idea of being responsible for himself and Humf is just basically thriving even in this lop sided one parent family.
All this being said half term has been a mine field with the slightest wrong footing and the whole thing blowing up in my face. The reason for this I think are many fold and the answers to fixing it having been many fold too. I am convinced that the fact I am starting a new job on Monday that to be honest I am worried sick about, that I have been trying to talk myself out of, but I also know that I have no choice but to start has had a big impact on my attitude to things.
I am very consciences that this is the most time I am going to get to spend with the kids for while so therefore want things to be perfect, which its not being. Loose ends suddenly need tying with my previous role that can't be left. College has got very hard this year and I need to spend time getting that straight in my head and for some bizarre reason I decided to have a Halloween party this year.
This is where the UN peace negotiations start........Ninja had a birthday last week and so has lots of new games and toys to play with. Humf thinks he is basically able to do whatever Ninja is doing and can't understand why his big brother is so reluctant to play the games with him. Logger heads have been met and intricate and detailed schedule of times of play, TV and general larking about have had to be designed.
In between these two immovable forces of desires and wants I have stood this week basically getting shouted at, whined at, grumbled at and given dirt looks at. One child is always left feeling put out by these discussions and all I want to do is get on with the stuff I need to do so we can spend the rest of the week having a nice time together. I think I am fighting a losing battle to be honest and that I should stop beating myself up in bed at night worrying about it ( well Humf beats me up enough kicking me all over during the night )
In a blink of an eye it will be Christmas and I will be starting all this all over again !..
I know the last few months have been hard and that we have all has to adjust to new roles with in the house. It has taken time for the kids to see me as a serious parent and not just the soft one, Mooki has had to come to the realisation she is important and valued for her burgeoning adult opinions and ideas, Ninja has had to learn independence and the idea of being responsible for himself and Humf is just basically thriving even in this lop sided one parent family.
All this being said half term has been a mine field with the slightest wrong footing and the whole thing blowing up in my face. The reason for this I think are many fold and the answers to fixing it having been many fold too. I am convinced that the fact I am starting a new job on Monday that to be honest I am worried sick about, that I have been trying to talk myself out of, but I also know that I have no choice but to start has had a big impact on my attitude to things.
I am very consciences that this is the most time I am going to get to spend with the kids for while so therefore want things to be perfect, which its not being. Loose ends suddenly need tying with my previous role that can't be left. College has got very hard this year and I need to spend time getting that straight in my head and for some bizarre reason I decided to have a Halloween party this year.
This is where the UN peace negotiations start........Ninja had a birthday last week and so has lots of new games and toys to play with. Humf thinks he is basically able to do whatever Ninja is doing and can't understand why his big brother is so reluctant to play the games with him. Logger heads have been met and intricate and detailed schedule of times of play, TV and general larking about have had to be designed.
In between these two immovable forces of desires and wants I have stood this week basically getting shouted at, whined at, grumbled at and given dirt looks at. One child is always left feeling put out by these discussions and all I want to do is get on with the stuff I need to do so we can spend the rest of the week having a nice time together. I think I am fighting a losing battle to be honest and that I should stop beating myself up in bed at night worrying about it ( well Humf beats me up enough kicking me all over during the night )
In a blink of an eye it will be Christmas and I will be starting all this all over again !..
Sunday, 9 October 2011
Since you've been gone..........
Light bulbs have been changed, toilets unblocked and bins taken out.
The TV is mine and I iron in front of it.
When doors slam no one jumps any more.
The only shouts are ones of excitement.
The only time there is crying, is for scraped knees, banged heads or sad stories.
Smiles are made in mirrors.
Songs are sung at any time.
Family and friends visit when ever they choose.
Homework is done on time.
Things are broken, but then they are fixed.
We eat together.
Sleep together.
Laugh together.
Boundaries are crossed but way backs are negotiated with love not lectures.
There are no pants to pick up.
I'm no longer referred to as "babe, wench or c**t" but "mummy" the only name that matters.
Grades are up.
Self confidence is up.
We now know we are all worthy fabulous individuals
Make up is worn.
Clothes and boys are discussed freely.
Dinners are adventures with lots of different things being tried all the time.
The kids eat tons of fish, bagels, matzo, pasta, asparagus, french beans.
Spelling, reading and maths are done for fun.
Playstation games are played and don't give nightmares.
Confidence is overflowing.
Normality is standard.
We can all breathe.
Sunday, 25 September 2011
The trouble with childminders.......
Ok its been a while since I have posted and I have my excuses which I won't bore you with except maybe the one that I've just been too darn lazy to think. This morning though I have woken having had a pretty much undisturbed night of sleep and suddenly the urge to reach out has hit me hard.
So lets start at the beginning, I have been offered a job "whoa, yeah, haz-zarh" yes its great, yes confidence has been restored somewhat and yes I am pleased but (and it's a big one) I am not that overly happy with it all. I know big sighs of "what is wrong with you woman" maybe issuing from your mouths now and if I was reading this it would be from mine. The thing is though, firstly it isn't the most exciting job in the world from what they have told me, the pay is average to say the least and the career prospects are almost Zelige.
Do I really want to be working in a dead-end job for effectively the same money as I am on now (when you take into account the travelling) 40 hours a week to practically not see the kids all week and then possibly have to share weekends with you-know-who.
On top of this I have ended up having massive child care issues. This started at the beginning of term when the first week in before I had even been offered the job my what I thought was sorted childcare arrangements for going back to college came crashing down my ears. The lovely lady that has been looking after Ninja for me after school on the college day for the last 2 years roughly and who was now going to take Humf as well before and after school nursery, informed me that she wouldn't be able to have them as she had been offered a full time child and that she couldn't turn down the money. Fair enough as desperately inconvenient that was for me, I couldn't blame her. Lots of apologies ensued and a promise to help me find someone else.
She gave me the name of another childminder and off I trotted with the kids to meet her. All seemed fine at first, she was able to cover the Thursday for college and she even suggested that she would have Humf for the 2 days he wasn't attending school nursery. I get offered the job that night and suddenly I need her to do full time for both the boys. Again this didn't seem to be a problem, until she'd slept on it. I suppose you could say it was my own fault for over-sharing, or for assuming that all people have an open heart and mind but I had told her what has been going on in my life and that obviously it may have effected the children in someways ( just to prove this point Ninja had drawn a picture of people shooting each other and dying, at her house). I suppose having discussed what I had told her with probably everyone, most people had told her to stay clear of me and my kids. Strangely of all the things that have happened so far, her reaction has hurt the most.
My kids are wonderful and I am a good mum, what has happened to me isn't my fault, but the fact that this woman didn't want to get involved with me makes me feel like it is. I didn't ask for what I am going through and I am trying my hardest to make things right and normal for my kids. To be judged as "not the right sort of person" because my husband got arrested, my kids have been through hell and we might be left with a few scars from it makes me very angry and has also made me doubt myself. In her apologies over the phone to me at letting me down she kept repeating that she "had to think of the other children" and that "it might not be fair to the other parents" seriously what the hell did she think my children are capable of !!
Suffice it to say between her "discussing" me and my kids with another childminder and also the shortage of places I have been left with the only option of sending Humf full-time to private nursery and Ninja to the breakfast and after school club. Its the most expensive option, its the least loving option but its the only option I have.
So with all this sitting in the back of my mind you can maybe understand a bit more why I am not so keen to start this job. If on the other hand I am offered one of the jobs I went to interview for on Friday all this stress might be worth it, but I'll tell you more about that another time.
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